02-09-2017, 02:05 AM
Zorcas, thank you for your critique. I responded to some of your questions and comments below!
(10-07-2016, 07:08 AM)zorcas Wrote: Lay in wait my breast-held heart
as eggshells undulate, constant as mother eggshells? the mother was oviparous so her offspring-to-be is in a shell, not the normal amniotic fluid in which a baby is immersed? -- "eggshells" this more so refers to the breast bone and ribs, not a literal eggshell surrounding the child. Does this change anything?
feeds my bones and moon-shucked nail beds. the moon or its light somehow got into the womb? moon-shucked is simply describing the color and shape of the growing nail bed
Snipped in time my pose shifts snipping of the umbilical cord is done after the baby is delivered, not in the womb. - this isn't referring to the umbilical cord. It's referencing the pose- which (regarding the line below) changes only in limb length and posture as it grows, "snipped in time" (ultrasound pictures)
lone in length of limb and the fold of my legs what does "lone of limb" mean? In the womb a baby is curled up and straightens only as the delivery process proceeds.
beneath her thrumming atmosphere. What atmosphere and why does it thrum? - A woman's body is a fetus's whole world (atmosphere!) before birth. It thrums because its a living "atmosphere."
Hurried voices hush rapid shuffles
until we submerge the baby emerges after having been submerged. again, not literal submersion. this child is bathed in the blood that cocooned it throughout the pregnancy-- "submersion." it's the birthing process
my world in a blood-drawn bath-- and how! the poem doesn't benefit from an outburst like "and how". I have been struggling with a way to kind of interrupt the poem and create a clear line pre/post birth.
Thrust to prismatic emprise why prismatic? Emprise refers to daring or dangerous, hardly relevant here. this new world- "our world," is dangerous indeed
yet my consciousness stays
the shrunken severed memory
of mother's womb.
This is a very amateurish evocation of womb time: the poet builds on reality and doesn't distort it, just as none would write the sun rises in the west. I'd like you to reread it with me having answered some questions. I'm curious if your opinion changed at all.