02-08-2017, 04:09 AM
(02-05-2017, 07:57 PM)ellajam Wrote: Hi, Jared, welcome to the Pen. You've done a nice job of sticking to a consistant meter and rhyme scheme. Now you need to look at it and identify where you have sacrificed natural language and plain sense for the sake of it. Take a look at some notes for S1.Thank you for the advice. It's actually a lot less than I expected. Ironically S1 and S2 are the ones I had the most trouble with. I'm working on a rewrite with your advice in mind.
Try going through your poem and picking out the spots with similar problems. Good poetry takes practice, I hope you'll work on this one and post an edit.
What do you think about the title? I couldn't think of anything, and that was just the best I could come up with. My other concern, after reading advice on some other poems here, is that I might have overused the word "hope". What so you think?