02-07-2017, 11:43 PM
thanks for the feedback! some touches -- so far i feel that more radical change would dilute whatever it is that's in there. specifics:
gutted starting quote. the second statement read irrelevant and kinda stupid.
turned "enjoyment" to an even blander form, because that scene was not the point i wanted to make.
on adam and eve: the joke being that there are no other themes.
hmm....this is weird. oddly enough, this is a piece that neither really uses em dashes, nor really abuses them, and same goes, i think, for punctuation. however, that second voice is necessary, since it divides the sections naturally, and sets up the question mark of a conclusion, so i'm conflicted....
changed "Fury's eyes" to the equally referential, but much more ironic and, to me, hilarious, "kindly eyes".
on failed virtue: i do like that part, too. it is i think the part most influenced by how i experienced Braid, which is a video game i heartily recommend.
on the Biblical passage: this is the second time i've alluded to that, in a piece i've posted here. i'm not sure how i used allusion here fits with how you think allusion should be used, amaril. of course, it might be because i am not an experienced allusionist (lol), but i very rarely allude to add to the original piece; rather, i abduct, metaphorically stealing the passage to state something that would, if stated otherwise, not nearly be as clear, beautiful, powerful. i mean, sure, a writer's job is to make something new, but at the same time you've got the shoulders of giants, and ultimately the point here is more....well, the interplay of themes that i hope are clearer in this new edit, rather than an elaboration on the concept of (Biblical) creation.
on "scars, brands on experience": for brands, i just thought it was a good image (plus i think i've used a brand in writings before? at least in a much more vicious fashion ----); but it's scars i think that's more important, as i hope this new edit should show.
edited the tomb part. it reads less musical for me, but at least it should be clearer what sort of contrast i was going for.
i love the scene of Odysseus having to feed the dead with blood to hear them speak. something like that -- i can understand why it does seem out of the blue, but somehow i do like the disjointed nature of it, especially since it is sort of tied not just to Eucharist, but to my current (mild) obsession with reincarnation. so that is another baffling part to be kept.
i hope to receive bits on the changes. thanks again for the feedback!
gutted starting quote. the second statement read irrelevant and kinda stupid.
turned "enjoyment" to an even blander form, because that scene was not the point i wanted to make.
on adam and eve: the joke being that there are no other themes.
hmm....this is weird. oddly enough, this is a piece that neither really uses em dashes, nor really abuses them, and same goes, i think, for punctuation. however, that second voice is necessary, since it divides the sections naturally, and sets up the question mark of a conclusion, so i'm conflicted....
changed "Fury's eyes" to the equally referential, but much more ironic and, to me, hilarious, "kindly eyes".
on failed virtue: i do like that part, too. it is i think the part most influenced by how i experienced Braid, which is a video game i heartily recommend.
on the Biblical passage: this is the second time i've alluded to that, in a piece i've posted here. i'm not sure how i used allusion here fits with how you think allusion should be used, amaril. of course, it might be because i am not an experienced allusionist (lol), but i very rarely allude to add to the original piece; rather, i abduct, metaphorically stealing the passage to state something that would, if stated otherwise, not nearly be as clear, beautiful, powerful. i mean, sure, a writer's job is to make something new, but at the same time you've got the shoulders of giants, and ultimately the point here is more....well, the interplay of themes that i hope are clearer in this new edit, rather than an elaboration on the concept of (Biblical) creation.
on "scars, brands on experience": for brands, i just thought it was a good image (plus i think i've used a brand in writings before? at least in a much more vicious fashion ----); but it's scars i think that's more important, as i hope this new edit should show.
edited the tomb part. it reads less musical for me, but at least it should be clearer what sort of contrast i was going for.
i love the scene of Odysseus having to feed the dead with blood to hear them speak. something like that -- i can understand why it does seem out of the blue, but somehow i do like the disjointed nature of it, especially since it is sort of tied not just to Eucharist, but to my current (mild) obsession with reincarnation. so that is another baffling part to be kept.
i hope to receive bits on the changes. thanks again for the feedback!