02-07-2017, 07:16 PM
Hi, I’m fairly new to poetry, so if my suggestions aren’t that helpful, I’m sorry
I really like the second stanza, but instead of spy I would put squint in, it makes more sense to me if the person in this poem is squinting, because of how bright the others are in comparison to him/her looking through a dim lens.
I would replace forlorn with “lonely, never to take flight” mainly because it feels kinda weird to have forlorn in there, and “lonely, never to take flight” does fit into both the idea behind the poem and the rhyming scheme.
I’ve added in a comma behind They in both stanza 3 and 4 just to add in a bit of spite that “I” might have felt and emphasizing that kind of feeling.
I’ve also taken out sometimes, it felt irrelevant and a bit too wordy.
Lenses
In all of time, both past and now, a billion beings have roamed.
But whether it is night or day, I have always walked alone.
I was made from a darker clay,
And squint through a lens that is dim and grey.
It matters not if it is dark or light; my heart is left lonely, never to take flight.
There are those with a lens so bright,
And despite of it being dark or light,
no earthly plight can bring the shade of night;
They, will never walk alone.
There are those with a lens so sheer,
And they see through eyes so wise and clear;
They, always know when it is right to walk alone.
I really like the second stanza, but instead of spy I would put squint in, it makes more sense to me if the person in this poem is squinting, because of how bright the others are in comparison to him/her looking through a dim lens.
I would replace forlorn with “lonely, never to take flight” mainly because it feels kinda weird to have forlorn in there, and “lonely, never to take flight” does fit into both the idea behind the poem and the rhyming scheme.
I’ve added in a comma behind They in both stanza 3 and 4 just to add in a bit of spite that “I” might have felt and emphasizing that kind of feeling.
I’ve also taken out sometimes, it felt irrelevant and a bit too wordy.
Lenses
In all of time, both past and now, a billion beings have roamed.
But whether it is night or day, I have always walked alone.
I was made from a darker clay,
And squint through a lens that is dim and grey.
It matters not if it is dark or light; my heart is left lonely, never to take flight.
There are those with a lens so bright,
And despite of it being dark or light,
no earthly plight can bring the shade of night;
They, will never walk alone.
There are those with a lens so sheer,
And they see through eyes so wise and clear;
They, always know when it is right to walk alone.