02-03-2017, 07:18 PM
(02-03-2017, 03:23 PM)UselessBlueprint Wrote: Your river is cold
and it slowly cuts the land;
its currents meander like
a writhing cobra. I feel like writhing is more energetic image and clashes with the 'slow meandering' you have described up to this point
Your bridge is strong -
built to last -
I can't tear it down. Why would you want to tear it down?
But I have crossed the deepest seas,
not you. These closing lines are confusing in their meaning. 'I have crossed the deepest seas, but I have not crossed you?' or 'I have crossed the deepest seas but you have not crossed the deepest seas' there is a lot of potential meaning in 'crossed'
I feel like in this poem you are just at the surface (pun unintended) of something deeper you want to write. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I'd be glad to read more, perhaps with some more clarity or which builds further on some of the imagery.