(Addresses Self-Harm/Abuse) She'll One Day Forge Beauty - Edit 1

[mrweiner]

Hello mrweiner,

I decided not to read the earlier version or any of the comments so I could come at this fresh. I like the idea of this poem. I'm not sure that it fully works for me at present but I'd like to see it get there. Let me attempt to engage with it below and see if you if you can take something away from my comments as you work with it more.

She'll One Day Forge Beauty --Forge is such a versatile word. I very much like it here. The imediate context makes you think of producing something through heat and pressure. I think of the idea of overcoming adversity to produce something great. I'm led to the idea that we see reflected of the trials we survive making us something greater (reminiscent of a Hinds Feet on High Places narrative, or a Garry Wills Certain Trumpets idea). What make forge so cool though of word is the dual idea of forging a check or a painting (if we're going with beauty). The idea that there's a fragile web creating with our idea of beauty that can be undone by a bit of scrutiny. There's also the interesting idea that its the person forging their own beauty through what they suffer. That despite the narrative of the poem, the girl is wielding her own hammer. I wonder it the promise of the title will be ultimately true, but there is a sort of hope here. In any event, it's an interesting starting point.

You've got some great thoughts, here! (To critique the critique, ha)

Six-year-old girls shouldn't--Good line break. Good starting point. There is a sense here of both adult correction in the choice of the break and also the competing idea that things like what is coming shouldn't happen. We have a protective vulnerability that rises up in the idealized idea and sense of innocence and experience we want a six year old girl to have all packed in here. 
need to place their sadness
between their toes--This is a vulnerable image. I like the this fragile idea of a hiding place. I like that the six year old has nothing truly protecting them. 
and the heavy intent of a hammer--This is a sword of damocles image. There may be a need to add some balanced under languge--but it all works for me here. The ripening sense of implyed violence is better than actual violence. Here's the issue and the problem you'll have from this point moving forward--sublty and implication will hold the most power. Showing the monster too early or at all will defuse too much tension. Great strophe here though for building tension. It's worth noting.

Glad the first stanza comes across well to you! Your thoughts largely echo mine

striking at anguish
brought blue hot by bourbon blows
and neglect. Their little digits
lack the temper of anvils--You lose a bit with this strophe. It's difficult, because things need to move forward. Striking at anguish is a bit too tell and not show. It's a bit too obvious. Same with bourbon blows and neglect. I like the the last part of this. I think I would prefer more build up and implication earlier. I'm not sure how I'd want the phasing something more minimal and more at an angle.  I like blue hot rather than white hot. Maybe a stacked blue hot heat haze...maybe fumes of bourbon. Anything that maintains the subtlty a bit more. More buildup still, more tension.

Hadn't considered that it might be too straight to the point. That's true, though, the first two lines are much more literal than the following 2 or previous stanza. I think it'll be easier to shade the "blows and neglect" than it will be for "striking". I'll give it some thought. 

and while the blacksmith 
celebrates his sweat --I don't mind the personification here of the blacksmith 
upon hissing iron into oil,--The sound is nice I like this line and the next quite a bit.
muffled cries do little 

to quench 
the misery 
    of a girl
    so troubled 
        of mind 
        so brittle
            of thought
            constructed 
                of confusion--This sequence feels like a letdown. I want more raised stakes. i want a hint of the title's promise in the ending--only a hint but it needs to be there. I'm not trying to point you to another poem and diminish yours by comparison but perhaps consider the shapeshiter poems by Lucille Cliftton and readdress your ending some.

No worries on the comparison, I'll certainly take a read. It's been a long time since I've read any poetry prior to the last few weeks, so any and all suggestions are welcome. Not to bring up the first draft since you were trying to keep perspective, but initially I had a different title and the hope was pulled in in the final stanza. The re-working was taking that out and pulling it to the title, but I guess maybe it still needs to be addressed in the end since now it's expected but missing.

I was trying to play with the idea that the sequence could be read in a handful of ways, and that the run-on nature might mirror the thoughts of the character. Did those translate at all? I guess it's a softer set of lines than the build-up, so in that way it doesn't really act as the climax that it should.

The proper path is probably somewhere between this and my initial idea, with the punch of the rest of the poem added in. I'm coming to realize that the endings of my poems are always the weakest points. I get on a roll developing the ideas but don't really know how to close them out. The ideas kind of develop stream-of-consciousness so I don't know my destination once I get there. 

I felt let down some. There's a ton of promise here. I hope my comments conveyed what I was getting at, and ultimately I hope they helped some.

Best,

Todd

I really appreciate the feedback. Your comments are valuable and will certainly be considered for my next edit.