Left drunk on her exes car windscreen // I am not a cuckoo

[rollingbrianjones]

Ty ty - further comments below. Will have a read of something of yours.

Hi, Brian, I have just a couple of thoughts for you, as it's a pretty solid piece already.

Left drunk on her exes car windscreen // I am not a cuckoo

Screaming, crying, crawling man
I took your nest because I can.
Her whispered whims no longer yours,
She’s lost yet found; for I she chores. -- for I she chores is awkward. I'm not sure that I is used correctly on a grammatical level, and is the speaker a chore? I should hope not, since it doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem. Achebe made this point, and I did revise "I" to "me" in the edit. I didn't do this for grammar, I am happy enough to piss about with grammar in my writing, but as you both point out "I" is just not right. The speaker is not a chore, hence why she now "chores" for him. Doesn't change the nature of chorish sexual acts between drunken and repetitive students (which is the time/setting of the interaction described)
The word "Chore" reading/sounding awkward is necessary to mirror what it describes, though maybe I need to make this more obvious if it wasn't easily picked up.
Displaced, dismayed, I know your pain;
Deserved. I’d do the same again.
The hand you dealt her, boastful, vain,
You wronged her, conned her, yanked your chain.
She wondered, wandered, waning, sane.
Your loss you caused. I made my gain. -- maybe: "The loss you caused, I made my gain. " I'm also v.unsure about this line, you pointing it out too perhaps confirms my thoughts. But not sure how to change. It's "Your" as this poem was literally written and left on someone's car after a spat over a girl when I was studying. I didn't want to lose the authenticity.
But no, a cuckoo I am not -- Don't like the inversion here to make the rhyme Yup, you are right, it is forced. I need to edit this.
No chicks were slain, nor laid to rot. -- is laid referring to sex? otherwise it feels like a weak word choice. Nope, laid wasn't at all meant to be linked to sex- I just wanted to end returning to the metaphor of the poem's title. Cuckoo chicks take over a smaller bird's nest, push out the other chicks from the nest to fall to their death... not sure where the imagery came from, I love nature and birds and shit like that.

Edit 1
Screaming, crying, crawling man
I took your nest because I can.
Her whispered whims no longer yours,
She’s lost yet found; for me she chores.
Displaced, dismayed, I know your pain:
Deserved, I’d do the same again.
The hand you dealt her? Boastful, vain.
You wronged her, conned her, yanked your chain.
She wondered, wandered, crazed yet sane.
Your loss you caused. I made my gain.
But no, a cuckoo I am not
No chicks were slain, nor laid to rot.

I do like the edit better than the original, so good work!