Left drunk on her exes car windscreen // I am not a cuckoo
#4
Hi, Brian, I have just a couple of thoughts for you, as it's a pretty solid piece already.

(01-05-2017, 12:17 PM)rollingbrianjones Wrote:  Left drunk on her exes car windscreen // I am not a cuckoo

Screaming, crying, crawling man
I took your nest because I can.
Her whispered whims no longer yours,
She’s lost yet found; for I she chores. -- for I she chores is awkward. I'm not sure that I is used correctly on a grammatical level, and is the speaker a chore? I should hope not, since it doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem.
Displaced, dismayed, I know your pain;
Deserved. I’d do the same again.
The hand you dealt her, boastful, vain,
You wronged her, conned her, yanked your chain.
She wondered, wandered, waning, sane.
Your loss you caused. I made my gain. -- maybe: "The loss you caused, I made my gain. "
But no, a cuckoo I am not -- Don't like the inversion here to make the rhyme
No chicks were slain, nor laid to rot. -- is laid referring to sex? otherwise it feels like a weak word choice.

Edit 1
Screaming, crying, crawling man
I took your nest because I can.
Her whispered whims no longer yours,
She’s lost yet found; for me she chores.
Displaced, dismayed, I know your pain:
Deserved, I’d do the same again.
The hand you dealt her? Boastful, vain.
You wronged her, conned her, yanked your chain.
She wondered, wandered, crazed yet sane.
Your loss you caused. I made my gain.
But no, a cuckoo I am not
No chicks were slain, nor laid to rot.
I do like the edit better than the original, so good work!
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RE: Left drunk on her exes car windscreen // I am not a cuckoo - by MadelineAnne - 01-24-2017, 07:44 AM



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