01-23-2017, 08:23 AM
Most of the criticism here seems to be about content, so I'm going to focus a bit more on how the form reads instead.
-First word capitalization
Some of the first feedback I got was regarding this, and I was told to trash it right away. The more I read, the more I found that this technique is really not standard and doesn't read naturally. Just like non-poetic writing, I'd only capitalize the first letters following periods unless otherwise required.
-Punctuation
Every line doesn't need to end with a comma simply because they are lines of a poem. The visual break of starting a new line tends to have the effect that I think you're intending with the commas, so you should consider uses commas as an effect more than a requirement. Sometimes they break the feel, and sometimes they confuse your intent. Also, your use of semi-colons bothers me a bit, although that might be more personal preference than anything. I'm not entirely sure.
-Unneeded words bogging down your tempo
Try to avoid including words that work for the sentence but aren't required for your point. I always try to keep in mind that poetry is like the "golf" of writing. You want to pack the greatest punch into the fewest words/syllables (except when you don't want to -- hmmmm). For instance in S1 L2, does "And yanked out the heart from my chest" really need the word "out"?
With these critiques in mind, here's how I might reformat your poem without changing anything else. Of course, there are other ways to achieve this.
-First word capitalization
Some of the first feedback I got was regarding this, and I was told to trash it right away. The more I read, the more I found that this technique is really not standard and doesn't read naturally. Just like non-poetic writing, I'd only capitalize the first letters following periods unless otherwise required.
-Punctuation
Every line doesn't need to end with a comma simply because they are lines of a poem. The visual break of starting a new line tends to have the effect that I think you're intending with the commas, so you should consider uses commas as an effect more than a requirement. Sometimes they break the feel, and sometimes they confuse your intent. Also, your use of semi-colons bothers me a bit, although that might be more personal preference than anything. I'm not entirely sure.
-Unneeded words bogging down your tempo
Try to avoid including words that work for the sentence but aren't required for your point. I always try to keep in mind that poetry is like the "golf" of writing. You want to pack the greatest punch into the fewest words/syllables (except when you don't want to -- hmmmm). For instance in S1 L2, does "And yanked out the heart from my chest" really need the word "out"?
With these critiques in mind, here's how I might reformat your poem without changing anything else. Of course, there are other ways to achieve this.
(01-19-2017, 10:23 PM)Carrie Birdsong Wrote: Writer's Taunt
If I cut a t-shaped gash into my flesh
and yanked the heart from my chest
to show you the still wonder of it,
would you turn from me, disgusted?
And as dark blood pumps thickly,
spilling black splashes under shaded moonlight,
unleashing the horrors that lurk in my very veins,
would you gag on the realities that squirm there?
In the clotted patterns of my stagnant fluids,
put on display on the cold gravel
your feet are cemented to,
would you see how the pale moon
fractures into a galaxy of tiny stars
as it reflects from the rounded beads of spatter?
Do you see beauty, love?
Beauty in the dark recesses of incessant alleys,
where monsters stalk the sick and weary
and the mysterious low eyes
that reflect bawdy neon
watch for the same lost
who wander here,
seeking to be found in faded dreams?
Follow me there.
Take my red-gloved hand
and mind my falling insides.
Step around the gore in your clean shoes
and I will show you a wonder.