01-20-2017, 08:49 AM
I appreciate the feedback. There's a few things that I need clarification on to help me improve. If this is not the right forum to do this in, please let me know.
First off, I feel as though this poem felt offensive to both of you. Particularly when you mention the gore. I was going for a sort of dark, Robert Browning, Wallace Stevens feel. I really like the horror genre and I've run into this problem a lot. Is it just naturally offensive to people to see gore in poetry or am I just approaching it the wrong way?
Secondly, I'd like to elaborate on why the "t-shaped" gash is important. It's the way autopsies are performed in order to have easier access to the rib cage in order to remove the heart. So, that was the way I tried to cut length and redundancy. I assumed the reader would automatically know the writer would also have to go through the rib cage.
Third, the red-gloved hands are mentioned by both of you. I assumed that the hands would be covered in red gore from cutting through the chest to get to the heart. I find it hard to understand how that would be seen as a "fashion statement". The clean shoes, I felt, actually did have to be stated because if a standing human removed their heart directly in front of you, I pictured some of it falling on the reader's shoes, which is part of what makes it seem so offensive.
Fourth, the black to red blood and moon changes are what lend the timeline to this piece, or that's what I was trying to get across. If the writer's heart just stopped then you would have both intravenous and arterial blood. One of which would clot and dry immediately and one that would take longer. I was trying to remain realistic, too real maybe?
This also speaks on the relevance of the moon refracting off the beaded blood i.e. the blood beading and the fact the blood is now in the moonlight and not the shade. I tried to pretty it up some, is it too flowery?
The rest of the points I intend to take to heart on future poetry. I like to keep poetry in its original form because it helps me track my personal growth. This is one I'd like to play with though so thank you very much for your insights. Please take my questions as an honest way to learn and not that I'm arguing at all. I generally believe everyone else is much smarter than me.
First off, I feel as though this poem felt offensive to both of you. Particularly when you mention the gore. I was going for a sort of dark, Robert Browning, Wallace Stevens feel. I really like the horror genre and I've run into this problem a lot. Is it just naturally offensive to people to see gore in poetry or am I just approaching it the wrong way?
Secondly, I'd like to elaborate on why the "t-shaped" gash is important. It's the way autopsies are performed in order to have easier access to the rib cage in order to remove the heart. So, that was the way I tried to cut length and redundancy. I assumed the reader would automatically know the writer would also have to go through the rib cage.
Third, the red-gloved hands are mentioned by both of you. I assumed that the hands would be covered in red gore from cutting through the chest to get to the heart. I find it hard to understand how that would be seen as a "fashion statement". The clean shoes, I felt, actually did have to be stated because if a standing human removed their heart directly in front of you, I pictured some of it falling on the reader's shoes, which is part of what makes it seem so offensive.
Fourth, the black to red blood and moon changes are what lend the timeline to this piece, or that's what I was trying to get across. If the writer's heart just stopped then you would have both intravenous and arterial blood. One of which would clot and dry immediately and one that would take longer. I was trying to remain realistic, too real maybe?
This also speaks on the relevance of the moon refracting off the beaded blood i.e. the blood beading and the fact the blood is now in the moonlight and not the shade. I tried to pretty it up some, is it too flowery?
The rest of the points I intend to take to heart on future poetry. I like to keep poetry in its original form because it helps me track my personal growth. This is one I'd like to play with though so thank you very much for your insights. Please take my questions as an honest way to learn and not that I'm arguing at all. I generally believe everyone else is much smarter than me.
I am purple putty...