01-19-2017, 05:48 PM
Hi Cousin Kil 
I like the new edit far better than the original. Reads more smoothly.
I like the repetition of the piranha and the teeth.
I think it would be nice to take it in a different direction at the end, and maybe subvert the pattern you have going. It's a little one note throughout. Take a turn at the end or give it a twist, that's my advice.
Also, I think that you did a good job of illustrating the idea of putting oneself away for the comfort of another. Maybe include a stanza at the end that involves a recapturing of the true self of the speaker, getting the things back out again.
Thanks for sharing,
madelineanne
I like the new edit far better than the original. Reads more smoothly.
I like the repetition of the piranha and the teeth.
I think it would be nice to take it in a different direction at the end, and maybe subvert the pattern you have going. It's a little one note throughout. Take a turn at the end or give it a twist, that's my advice.
Also, I think that you did a good job of illustrating the idea of putting oneself away for the comfort of another. Maybe include a stanza at the end that involves a recapturing of the true self of the speaker, getting the things back out again.
Thanks for sharing,
madelineanne