01-13-2017, 01:53 AM
"Long Story"
He wore a duffel coat
so did she
They looked cute
walking in Regents Park
that Autumn 5
in their matching green wellies
When he left her
he packed only pockets
bundled together
with toggles and loops 10
Definitely consider a title change. I knew this was going to be a short poem before I even clicked on the thread. However, if you're adamant about keeping it, try subverting our expectations. Perhaps "long" could reference distance or the length of the clothing (long "tale" like "coattails", etc). Something like that could become an immediate and enjoyable surprise to the reader.
The foreshadowing of "duffel coat" does a solid job reinforcing the separation in stanza 3. Line 8's "packed only pockets" conveys both a feeling of emptiness along with a capacity to be full, while still continuing the extended metaphor of clothing. Wonderfully done! It would be interesting to see if you could push this metaphor a bit further. Since clothing can act as expression, maybe you could work with this some? The surface does or doesn't reflect what's inside, etc.
The lineation of this poem is lacking, though. Remember that lines can (and often should) function independently of syntax. When each line is syntactically complete, it begs the question why is the poem a poem in the first place. Enjambment is necessary when creating tension/drama within a poem — especially short poems!
The poem is very cohesive and has potential to be filled (much like the pockets) with more tension and meaning. I can't wait to see a revision!
He wore a duffel coat
so did she
They looked cute
walking in Regents Park
that Autumn 5
in their matching green wellies
When he left her
he packed only pockets
bundled together
with toggles and loops 10
Definitely consider a title change. I knew this was going to be a short poem before I even clicked on the thread. However, if you're adamant about keeping it, try subverting our expectations. Perhaps "long" could reference distance or the length of the clothing (long "tale" like "coattails", etc). Something like that could become an immediate and enjoyable surprise to the reader.
The foreshadowing of "duffel coat" does a solid job reinforcing the separation in stanza 3. Line 8's "packed only pockets" conveys both a feeling of emptiness along with a capacity to be full, while still continuing the extended metaphor of clothing. Wonderfully done! It would be interesting to see if you could push this metaphor a bit further. Since clothing can act as expression, maybe you could work with this some? The surface does or doesn't reflect what's inside, etc.
The lineation of this poem is lacking, though. Remember that lines can (and often should) function independently of syntax. When each line is syntactically complete, it begs the question why is the poem a poem in the first place. Enjambment is necessary when creating tension/drama within a poem — especially short poems!
The poem is very cohesive and has potential to be filled (much like the pockets) with more tension and meaning. I can't wait to see a revision!
“Nature is a haunted house—but Art—is a house that tries to be haunted.” - Emily Dickinson