01-10-2017, 11:33 AM
(01-10-2017, 07:23 AM)hesawacko Wrote: Here's another fatherhood humor poem that could probably use a little help.
THREATS
Staring at their faces
I know it better be good what better be good?
They don't always work
Even though they should what or who (how old are they? Is this their first job, yard work, etc) doesn't always work? If I didn't already know that this was a humorous dad poem then I'd have no idea at all what this meant. Even when I already know it's a humorous dad poem, there is still some ambiguity.
Something to scare
Something to astound
Something that shows I'm not messing around
Timeout is soft
Naptime is weak I realize now that they're not about to get the what-have-you for not mowing the lawn... these children are younger than I first imagined.
It's gotta be something that doesn't sound meek
I want them to know
I'm nobody's stooge
The threat should be epic, unforgettable, huge
The Earth will tremble
The mountains will rock
Is a year without food, too much
to pick up a sock? It is funny! Maybe just clear up the first stanza so anyone reading would know what it was about?