Lovers’ Cliché

[HopeVictoria56]

Wow I think you did a really good job editing!! It's got a lot of potential and I think you can reform this and make it great.  Add some visuals in there with metaphors and see what happens.

Lovers’ Cliché
REVISED 9/14/16
Written 4/20/16
 
You found me in the rain,
soaking wet like some cliché. I definitely understand the cliche your describing here.  You found me in the rain, in need of love and help.
 
Once enraptured with your love,
now the fluttery feelings have gone away.  I think you can elaborate on fluttery feelings and/or also elaborate on gone away.  There are probably a zillion different beautiful ways to say gone away, so think of one that describes how you feel.  Maybe you feel like once you had so much love and now you have none at all- so maybe think of something in nature that has the same properties?  
 
What the hell happened,
my fancy free friend? Agree that this person was more than a friend to you.  Also I see these lines as you tip toeing around the hurt or loss you might feel that this person caused you.  So maybe dig in there a little bit.  Are you angry? Heartbroken? Betrayed? It's okay to be whatever because it's your poem and it's your release.
 
Is your heart made of stone? Yes a little cliche.
 
My heart rests in the place we met.
 
I could love you,
but I will leave you alone
 
For you, maybe cut this.
 
I hope the waters that fill your cup
are sweet and to its brim.
 
That sunlight finds you,
and glows warm against your skin.  Both these stanzas I think are nice and sweet.
 
I hope that you remember when
we stood soaking in the rain,
and you will call me friend.
 
***Author's note: Tried my hand at a rewrite taking into consideration a few of the critiques that others had for my poetry.***

For You
Original
You told me so many pretty things
And you showed me your heart
 
But what was it for
It doesn’t mean anything
I don’t know you anymore
 
I could love you or I could leave you alone
 
All the fluttery feelings have gone
Is your heart made of stone
 
What the hell happened
My fancy free friend
 
I am not bound to you
But my heart is resting in the place we met
 
You found me in the rain
Soaking wet like some cliché
 
For a minute
I was swept up in the splendor of your love
But now all the pretty things have gone away
 
I am empty in the naked light of day
I cut along the dotted lines
So, if you care at all
I swear I’ll be ok
 
For you,
 
I hope the waters that fill your cup
Are sweet and to its brim
 
And that sunlight finds you
And glows warm against your skin
 
That though you may be gone from me
You will remember when
We stood, soaking in the rain
And you will call me friend