12-29-2016, 04:32 AM
(12-04-2016, 11:58 AM)Coquette16 Wrote: Their Fabric is Thread-Bare
How sad it is,
day after day
they slip through my fingers,
most of them. <-- could add a simile here to create a visual.
I don't reach their ears.
They don't see me. <-- because these are two different senses, it doesn't sound great to me. Maybe pick one sense and create a picture with it? Or separate them just slightly more. Just my opinion, but once I wrote something to the effect of "they see things from my shoes"... don't exactly remember, but I didn't realize it until later. Maybe use this opportunity to describe who these people are or who you are to them (teacher? caregiver?)
How sad it is,
that they were not shown
the fabric of life;
the sweet sweat of life,
the sunny breeze of life,
the smile from the soul
because of life.
How frightening it is;
they lack human compassion.
They flaunt, they jeer;
they care less who's near.
All for them
and them for themselves. <-- possible reword? I stumbled on this for a second.
Their fabric is thread-bare.
I think this piece has great potential and with the addition of some visuals, it could be really fun. Because the characters don't have specific characteristics that they are married to, you can really create whoever or whatever scene you'd like.