12-25-2016, 01:53 AM
Edit 1;
Can any words, my sister, ease your pain -
felt anger and betrayal at this vote
which makes a man whose sins you’ve learned by rote
our president? It’s useless to explain.
Your world-inflicted sorrow shall remain
inflamed by image, story, song, and quote;
each day some news or jest will get your goat
until all love for goodness bears its stain.
My sadness echoes yours, though its sole cause
is empathy: to neither of our lives
was lasting damage done, we only grieve
at others’ self-confounding woe. So pause
and think the world’s no worse. Your smile revives:
just politics, not forecasts to believe.
Sincere thanks to all the critics. Without going into detail, I've tried to apply all your specific advice while remaining in the form.
I chose the Petrarchan form here because, first, it's a love (though not romantic) poem and, second, it's a problem-solution poem (or at least an attempt at one). This seems to work sometimes - after defining the problem in the quatrains, having to come up with something in the third stanza to resolve it while remaining in strict form somehow liberates from preconceived parameters for the solution. Liberated by constraints... well, maybe not in this case.
@Rivernotch - Along with your other suggestions and critiques, I tried to stress the ephemeral nature of the situation causing pain... as well as the possibly false "facts" that make it up. This might not go over as well with the intended recipient, though - even people you like very much can be very committed to their feelings.
@Brownlie - There's still some slop here, I'm afraid, but less.
And title change.
Can any words, my sister, ease your pain -
felt anger and betrayal at this vote
which makes a man whose sins you’ve learned by rote
our president? It’s useless to explain.
Your world-inflicted sorrow shall remain
inflamed by image, story, song, and quote;
each day some news or jest will get your goat
until all love for goodness bears its stain.
My sadness echoes yours, though its sole cause
is empathy: to neither of our lives
was lasting damage done, we only grieve
at others’ self-confounding woe. So pause
and think the world’s no worse. Your smile revives:
just politics, not forecasts to believe.
Sincere thanks to all the critics. Without going into detail, I've tried to apply all your specific advice while remaining in the form.
I chose the Petrarchan form here because, first, it's a love (though not romantic) poem and, second, it's a problem-solution poem (or at least an attempt at one). This seems to work sometimes - after defining the problem in the quatrains, having to come up with something in the third stanza to resolve it while remaining in strict form somehow liberates from preconceived parameters for the solution. Liberated by constraints... well, maybe not in this case.
@Rivernotch - Along with your other suggestions and critiques, I tried to stress the ephemeral nature of the situation causing pain... as well as the possibly false "facts" that make it up. This might not go over as well with the intended recipient, though - even people you like very much can be very committed to their feelings.
@Brownlie - There's still some slop here, I'm afraid, but less.
And title change.
Non-practicing atheist