12-23-2016, 10:58 PM
Duke, your poem and comments have brought me much amusement if that's any type of reward for your efforts. I feel I got a bit off topic, so let me tell you where I think some problems are with form.
quote='dukealien' pid='222004' dateline='1482248919']
Elective
Can any words, my sister, ease your pain -you have a parenthetical comma in the first line. Ideally you may want a hook to have a straightforward, clear and powerful hook. Good luck making one of thoae. I would personally get lazy and post something sloppy.
of anger and betrayal at this vote- What is pain of anger? If form impedes your ability to use concise expression, it becomes detrimental IMO.
which makes a man whose sins you rightly note -- Maybe the rhythm is off here, could be fine though. Not sure about rightly note or if a while parenthetical line is good or nof.
the chief of us? It’s useless to explain. --I guess the it's is kind of passive and not a powerful sub/verb,,though it is both in one syllable.
Your world-infected sadness will remain
Will is a weak verb. Will remain seems too wordy.
inflamed by image, story, song, and quote;
each day a joke, a smile, will get your goat--
until all love for goodness seems in vain.
My sadness echoes yours, though its sole cause
is sympathy. To neither of our lives
was damage done, we only suffer grief
at others’ self-inflicted hurts. So pause
and think the world no worse: your joy revives
with laughter at its foibles, pure relief.
[/quote]
After reading over, I think you did a good job with the sonnet or at least about 10 times better than I would have done myself. That being said, some language is slops. Slops take down a poem through attrition or something. One slops may not be so bad, but they gather quickly into a slops congress. Thanks again for posting! Super fun to talk about your p.
quote='dukealien' pid='222004' dateline='1482248919']
Elective
Can any words, my sister, ease your pain -you have a parenthetical comma in the first line. Ideally you may want a hook to have a straightforward, clear and powerful hook. Good luck making one of thoae. I would personally get lazy and post something sloppy.
of anger and betrayal at this vote- What is pain of anger? If form impedes your ability to use concise expression, it becomes detrimental IMO.
which makes a man whose sins you rightly note -- Maybe the rhythm is off here, could be fine though. Not sure about rightly note or if a while parenthetical line is good or nof.
the chief of us? It’s useless to explain. --I guess the it's is kind of passive and not a powerful sub/verb,,though it is both in one syllable.
Your world-infected sadness will remain
Will is a weak verb. Will remain seems too wordy.
inflamed by image, story, song, and quote;
each day a joke, a smile, will get your goat--
until all love for goodness seems in vain.
My sadness echoes yours, though its sole cause
is sympathy. To neither of our lives
was damage done, we only suffer grief
at others’ self-inflicted hurts. So pause
and think the world no worse: your joy revives
with laughter at its foibles, pure relief.
[/quote]
After reading over, I think you did a good job with the sonnet or at least about 10 times better than I would have done myself. That being said, some language is slops. Slops take down a poem through attrition or something. One slops may not be so bad, but they gather quickly into a slops congress. Thanks again for posting! Super fun to talk about your p.