12-23-2016, 07:28 PM
I liked the poem. It shows the passage of time in a number of different ways. I especially like how you move from the micro to the macro view.
I would have used imagery, rather than just mentioning the Himalayas. Adjectives like, snow capped, rugged, majestic, all hint at the seeming permanence of the mountains.
Flows well..
Good
Amber round the rusting tarn, oak tree spindles
net Gedanke from the wind.
Their grasp too weak, the sky too vast,
they cannot understand what passes
through their fingers. Their reflections
are wise enough to dance alone,
ignorant of shadows that
dance behind them.
Long before the day is night
and memories autumn fog,....like.
leaf skeletons crumble in toddlers' hands
and crackle underfoot;...........good use of imagery
before the thread of self is glimpsed
and lost in dappled garden shade,
is lost amongst the tangled strings
the shallow faces left behind -
these phantoms haunt the garden path, haunt trails of lace,
will never leave the maze -
and while the driveway gravel crunches
under fallen leaves, the Himalayas ....I would have used some imagery here. Something like 'snow-capped Himalayas'
shrink to dust and pavements grind
to sand, the car to rust.
I would have used imagery, rather than just mentioning the Himalayas. Adjectives like, snow capped, rugged, majestic, all hint at the seeming permanence of the mountains.
Flows well..
Good
Amber round the rusting tarn, oak tree spindles
net Gedanke from the wind.
Their grasp too weak, the sky too vast,
they cannot understand what passes
through their fingers. Their reflections
are wise enough to dance alone,
ignorant of shadows that
dance behind them.
Long before the day is night
and memories autumn fog,....like.
leaf skeletons crumble in toddlers' hands
and crackle underfoot;...........good use of imagery
before the thread of self is glimpsed
and lost in dappled garden shade,
is lost amongst the tangled strings
the shallow faces left behind -
these phantoms haunt the garden path, haunt trails of lace,
will never leave the maze -
and while the driveway gravel crunches
under fallen leaves, the Himalayas ....I would have used some imagery here. Something like 'snow-capped Himalayas'
shrink to dust and pavements grind
to sand, the car to rust.