12-21-2016, 08:32 AM
Hi Sparkler 
Kind of an angsty poem, yes? I like that -- it has a pleasant amount of grump to it, especially in a "nature" poem. I like that it's not rainbows and fluffy pink bunnies (especially around Eastertime).
The continual "What?" is disruptive to the reading -- maybe just reducing the number of them would help. Also, I feel a bit condescended to as the reader -- like the angst extends to the speaker's expectations from the reader, and I'm far too egotistical to find that engaging.
I feel like I'm being insulted if I'm not getting it.
...the bloody bruit, the crimson coercion.
What the....
"April is the cruelest Month."
I get it now.
Oh? Please explain...
Then you could do one "What" earlier in the poem to establish that you're incorporating the voice of the reader without the reader continually intruding.
I do like how the speaker seems to also not understand fully what's going on.
And put your period before the end quote on "April is the cruelest Month." Why is month capitalized?
Ok, I hope something here helps.
lizziep
Kind of an angsty poem, yes? I like that -- it has a pleasant amount of grump to it, especially in a "nature" poem. I like that it's not rainbows and fluffy pink bunnies (especially around Eastertime).
The continual "What?" is disruptive to the reading -- maybe just reducing the number of them would help. Also, I feel a bit condescended to as the reader -- like the angst extends to the speaker's expectations from the reader, and I'm far too egotistical to find that engaging.
I feel like I'm being insulted if I'm not getting it.(12-05-2016, 02:08 AM)Sparkydashforth Wrote: They are the octopus, I am the beak.I think if you did:
What?
In dark waters we are pockmarked by light.
What?
Today all is a linty green, even so,
the sun stalks with its goring horns.
What?
Here is a meadow -
the thugs of Venus
have trampled it into ruts and mires.
April sucks -- I like the break here, suggesting multiple meanings
at pores and arteries.
What?
Listen, -- I like the conversational feel here
we are the many
the invisible feelers, the mycelium,
the crusty plasma of countless spores.
We speak for the leaves and grass.
Walt Whitman
is the little finger you hardly use. -- like the Walt Whitman reference, especially in a poem that engages the natural world, but from a perspective of 'this is gross.'
What?
Frog phlem speckles wet driveways.
See the fugly skulls of April,
how their jaws mince
beneath the green undercroft?
Hear you, the paw-slapping
hoo-ha songs of the earth?
I am the beak, they are the gummy cephalopods.
Yes, yes, about this beak thing.
I am the ink and the silence.
In a fledglings gawk I am the fluff and bull,
the bloody bruit, the crimson coercion.
What the...
"April is the cruelest Month".
Oooo wait.....shit, I think I get it.
Really?
Please explain.
...the bloody bruit, the crimson coercion.
What the....
"April is the cruelest Month."
I get it now.
Oh? Please explain...
Then you could do one "What" earlier in the poem to establish that you're incorporating the voice of the reader without the reader continually intruding.
I do like how the speaker seems to also not understand fully what's going on.
And put your period before the end quote on "April is the cruelest Month." Why is month capitalized?
Ok, I hope something here helps.
lizziep