12-10-2016, 05:28 AM
Hi Missy,
I really like the images you draw, and the sparse tight flow... it totally makes me "wonder"... in a good way, but also for the life of me, i'm not really sure what its supposed to be about. Or maybe its not supposed to be about anything, i'm just not sure. I kinda want to understand the emotion and feeling in this poem, just some little thing to grab on to. My first thought is maybe its the title. Could it be a title that locks everything in, so i immediately understand where this journey is gonna take me? (for the record, i'm new to this myself - just giving my subjective feedback!) My favorite lines are "inhaling the black that slips from our mouths and we suck it back". I see you repeat it, which is kinda cool - adding to its importance. Maybe you put it in again at the beginning, losing the "and" for a repetitive flow throughout poem?? (for the record, not sure you need the "and" in those lines) Also, "we siege the forest" feels just a little off for me to start... almost more confusing, than questioning or seeking. However, I think you've got something pretty provocative here. Great work!
I Wonder
we
siege the forest.
as dawn approaches
waterfalls
and I
sit alone
inside
the empty
stall–
my fingers
trail
like lead
and quake
like thunder
and us,
I wonder.
inhaling the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.
the nightingale
that sleeps
as we
split the
upper seams
of our shirts
as breathing hurts
and us,
still I wonder–
why I'm yearning the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.
[/quote]
I really like the images you draw, and the sparse tight flow... it totally makes me "wonder"... in a good way, but also for the life of me, i'm not really sure what its supposed to be about. Or maybe its not supposed to be about anything, i'm just not sure. I kinda want to understand the emotion and feeling in this poem, just some little thing to grab on to. My first thought is maybe its the title. Could it be a title that locks everything in, so i immediately understand where this journey is gonna take me? (for the record, i'm new to this myself - just giving my subjective feedback!) My favorite lines are "inhaling the black that slips from our mouths and we suck it back". I see you repeat it, which is kinda cool - adding to its importance. Maybe you put it in again at the beginning, losing the "and" for a repetitive flow throughout poem?? (for the record, not sure you need the "and" in those lines) Also, "we siege the forest" feels just a little off for me to start... almost more confusing, than questioning or seeking. However, I think you've got something pretty provocative here. Great work!
I Wonder
we
siege the forest.
as dawn approaches
waterfalls
and I
sit alone
inside
the empty
stall–
my fingers
trail
like lead
and quake
like thunder
and us,
I wonder.
inhaling the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.
the nightingale
that sleeps
as we
split the
upper seams
of our shirts
as breathing hurts
and us,
still I wonder–
why I'm yearning the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back.
[/quote]