I Wonder

[Sparkydashforth]

Hi Missy, I won't even pretend to fully understand your intent and narrative in this poem, but
linear logic is probably the least important aspect of modern poetry. I like the surreal quality
of the piece.

This is my first time accepting critique on my poems so I'm going to put this in the novice section...lol...I hope it's okay...
thank you



I Wonder.........................I really do feel that you should consider a change of title,
for the phrase is repeated in the body of the poem, also the title adds nothing to
subjective understanding of the write.


we
siege the forest..................This has a violent undertone, as if to say we (as a group) force ourselves
into the forest environment, which is a clever way to set the mood of the piece.

as dawn approaches
waterfalls
and I
sit alone......................I think these lines needs a more descriptive rewrite
inside
the empty
stall–...........................'stall' means for me - toilet. Is that what you mean? If so, it's not that an unusual place to
muse within. It probably means something else in North Americas though!

my fingers
trail
like lead
and quake
like thunder
and us,
I wonder.............good lines, the 'I wonder' repeat works here.

inhaling the black
that slips from our mouths
and we suck it back...................These are my favorite lines, though my reaction is purely subjective.

the nightingale
that sleeps....................I would cut 'that'
as we
split the
upper seams
of our shirts
as breathing hurts
and us,
still I wonder–....................good lines, but here I would cut the repeat.

why I'm yearning the black................then cut 'why' here





and we suck it back.......then cut 'and'

Pretty cool wright.