12-08-2016, 08:39 AM
Hi,
I liked this poem, so good job C: I thought it was sort of humorous as well, but I also think it could read better if there wasn't so much punctuation in the middle, unless, of course, that is what you were going for. When I read it, the punctuation actually distracts me because it seems to be everywhere. But maybe that's just me.
Anyways, I'll post some of my thoughts on the lines C:
There are some things I’d take,
Yet far more things I won’t;
There are some things I want
Yet far more things I don’t. <---- I liked these lines, but again, maybe take out the punctuation, it feels like there's too many
comas and semi-colons and periods
Oh, but cert’nly my dear, I will promise you this;
Your dainty derriere I would passionately kiss,
And your hair, soft as silk, I would gently caress
With your shoulders I’d wrestle, releasing your stress. <---- like someone else said, I think you should change the word 'wrestle' it doesn't
really fit with the poem's meaning
Now, your legs I would stroke from the hip to the toe
And I’d take your left hand; trace your palm gently, slow.
But your heart and your mind
I think I’d leave behind.
Yes, you’re fairly nice looking, but stupid <---- I thought the word 'stupid' sort of took away from the poems humor, like it sounded really
blunt and harsh. Also the word 'nice' maybe you should change that word as well it didn't
really flow for me.
Anyways, good work on this C:
I liked this poem, so good job C: I thought it was sort of humorous as well, but I also think it could read better if there wasn't so much punctuation in the middle, unless, of course, that is what you were going for. When I read it, the punctuation actually distracts me because it seems to be everywhere. But maybe that's just me.
Anyways, I'll post some of my thoughts on the lines C:
There are some things I’d take,
Yet far more things I won’t;
There are some things I want
Yet far more things I don’t. <---- I liked these lines, but again, maybe take out the punctuation, it feels like there's too many
comas and semi-colons and periods
Oh, but cert’nly my dear, I will promise you this;
Your dainty derriere I would passionately kiss,
And your hair, soft as silk, I would gently caress
With your shoulders I’d wrestle, releasing your stress. <---- like someone else said, I think you should change the word 'wrestle' it doesn't
really fit with the poem's meaning
Now, your legs I would stroke from the hip to the toe
And I’d take your left hand; trace your palm gently, slow.
But your heart and your mind
I think I’d leave behind.
Yes, you’re fairly nice looking, but stupid <---- I thought the word 'stupid' sort of took away from the poems humor, like it sounded really
blunt and harsh. Also the word 'nice' maybe you should change that word as well it didn't
really flow for me.
Anyways, good work on this C: