12-08-2016, 07:01 AM
Hello,
I really liked this idea and poem. Your words captured my imagination in a strange way, and I think that's what all poets strive for. So good job C: I'll go over some lines I think can be improved, if you want.
Her body slipped sideways <----- I think you should put some punctuation here, like a period after the first and second line. It makes it more
final and sharp to say "stayed there." with a period. Also I think it would sound more interesting if
you didn't say "her" but just said "Body slipped sideways./Stayed there. Makes it impersonal. You could do
that throughout the poem too as a feature.
Stayed there
She gurgled as if she were
Reciting a love poem <-------- I thought this was a great line, a love poem through a storm drain, the image is perfect. Maybe remove the
line "she were" so it reads "she gurgled as if/reciting a love poem/through a storm drain.
Through a storm drain
Never complained <------ I'm not sure what these two lines do, also I would choose a different word other than "forgive" because it doesn't
make much sense to me and is also very vague.
Nor did she forgive
She plowed her mind <------- this stanza I wasn't really sure what it had to do with the stroke, it proved a great image, but maybe rework
this stanza to fit in more with what you are trying to say, because I was very confused by these lines.
Ahead of her wheelchair
Gray hair electrified
With aftershocks
Burning rubber all the way
Overall, I really enjoyed this poem, and I think you can improve it to make it even better C: good job
I really liked this idea and poem. Your words captured my imagination in a strange way, and I think that's what all poets strive for. So good job C: I'll go over some lines I think can be improved, if you want.
Her body slipped sideways <----- I think you should put some punctuation here, like a period after the first and second line. It makes it more
final and sharp to say "stayed there." with a period. Also I think it would sound more interesting if
you didn't say "her" but just said "Body slipped sideways./Stayed there. Makes it impersonal. You could do
that throughout the poem too as a feature.
Stayed there
She gurgled as if she were
Reciting a love poem <-------- I thought this was a great line, a love poem through a storm drain, the image is perfect. Maybe remove the
line "she were" so it reads "she gurgled as if/reciting a love poem/through a storm drain.
Through a storm drain
Never complained <------ I'm not sure what these two lines do, also I would choose a different word other than "forgive" because it doesn't
make much sense to me and is also very vague.
Nor did she forgive
She plowed her mind <------- this stanza I wasn't really sure what it had to do with the stroke, it proved a great image, but maybe rework
this stanza to fit in more with what you are trying to say, because I was very confused by these lines.
Ahead of her wheelchair
Gray hair electrified
With aftershocks
Burning rubber all the way
Overall, I really enjoyed this poem, and I think you can improve it to make it even better C: good job