12-08-2016, 06:16 AM
Hello,
I'm new and I hope I can give some good advice C: Sorry if it's not good I'm not really sure how to critique poetry other than my own thoughts.
Okay, so firstly, I thought the poem lacks something. I can't describe it, but I think you need to use your words a bit better in order to define exactly what you are trying to say.
I'll go over some of the lines of the poem that I thought could be reworked. If you don't want to take my suggestions that's fine too cause I'm not an expert.
How sad it is, <------ these beginning two lines set up the poem, but it's not a very interesting thing to say that 'something' is sad and 'day
after day' is also sort of cliche. I would try and define 'what' is sad, and maybe skip the 'day after day' and
write something else in that spot.
day after day
they slip through my fingers, <---I thought this line was good, but maybe cut out 'they' I think it sounds better/more strange to just simply
say "slip through my fingers"
most of them.<------I'm not sure about this line, or even what it means,
I don't reach their ears.
They don't see me.
How sad it is,
that they were not shown
the fabric of life; <------ the word 'life' is sort of vague, define what you are trying to say
the sweet sweat of life, <--- you repeat the word 'life' several times in a row in this stanza, and makes it sound strained/not very interesting
the sunny breeze of life,
the smile from the soul
because of life.
How frightening it is;
they lack human compassion.
They flaunt, they jeer;
they care less who's near.
All for them
and them for themselves.
Their fabric is thread-bare.<-- throughout the poem you keep saying 'they' but I have no idea who they are, maybe to make it better just skip
the 'they' and cut it out, I think it would be so much more interesting if you wrote it without trying to say 'who'.
Overall, I think this poem can be good just you need to fix some basic things. Anyways, I hope this helps you, good luck C:
This is excellent feedback -- more of this please! / Admin
I'm new and I hope I can give some good advice C: Sorry if it's not good I'm not really sure how to critique poetry other than my own thoughts.
Okay, so firstly, I thought the poem lacks something. I can't describe it, but I think you need to use your words a bit better in order to define exactly what you are trying to say.
I'll go over some of the lines of the poem that I thought could be reworked. If you don't want to take my suggestions that's fine too cause I'm not an expert.
How sad it is, <------ these beginning two lines set up the poem, but it's not a very interesting thing to say that 'something' is sad and 'day
after day' is also sort of cliche. I would try and define 'what' is sad, and maybe skip the 'day after day' and
write something else in that spot.
day after day
they slip through my fingers, <---I thought this line was good, but maybe cut out 'they' I think it sounds better/more strange to just simply
say "slip through my fingers"
most of them.<------I'm not sure about this line, or even what it means,
I don't reach their ears.
They don't see me.
How sad it is,
that they were not shown
the fabric of life; <------ the word 'life' is sort of vague, define what you are trying to say
the sweet sweat of life, <--- you repeat the word 'life' several times in a row in this stanza, and makes it sound strained/not very interesting
the sunny breeze of life,
the smile from the soul
because of life.
How frightening it is;
they lack human compassion.
They flaunt, they jeer;
they care less who's near.
All for them
and them for themselves.
Their fabric is thread-bare.<-- throughout the poem you keep saying 'they' but I have no idea who they are, maybe to make it better just skip
the 'they' and cut it out, I think it would be so much more interesting if you wrote it without trying to say 'who'.
Overall, I think this poem can be good just you need to fix some basic things. Anyways, I hope this helps you, good luck C:
This is excellent feedback -- more of this please! / Admin