I don't have a name for this!!
#5
I think poetry does well to a somewhat consistent theme; this greatly helps the reader to construct mental imagery. This sounds somewhat like schizophrenic word salad, which probably isn't what you're going for. I'd recommend using more varied emphasis and rhyme to construct, if not meaning, a pleasing melody. If you want to choose words for how they sound, and not what sense they make, it's best to also choose them for their rhythm. Think of it as composing a tune.
By the end of this poem, I was barely paying attention - it is too disjointed, and the structure it has is too repetitive to be interesting (like a bad techno track). Sorry if I'm being harsh.
I think this bit has something:
Quote:Mossy forests
Fondle soft
Feathered chorists
Secret loft
Sylvan bed-tents
Dreamt dances
Unveiled consents
Real-life trances
Hear a whisper
- but it swiftly falls apart after that. Coherence is key.
Quote:Hear a whisper
Oak awnings
Nope, you've lost me. The images don't cohere at all. I think, if you're relatively new to poetry, you should be somewhat strict with yourself. Churning things onto a page won't help you improve.
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Messages In This Thread
I don't have a name for this!! - by Jo Frumple - 11-22-2016, 11:54 AM
RE: I don't have a name for this!! - by CRNDLSM - 11-22-2016, 12:04 PM
RE: I don't have a name for this!! - by CRNDLSM - 11-24-2016, 07:55 AM
RE: I don't have a name for this!! - by gedankespieler - 11-25-2016, 08:18 AM



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