waiting for the snow

[Coquette16]

Bueller,

I like your revision---particularly the first two stanzas! Wow...so peaceful...For me, it reminds me of growing up in Northern Michigan when the snow just fell and all is quiet and untouched...so still and peaceful...

I have just a couple notes below.

-Coquette16

Revision

we're waiting for the snow to fall quiet
like a poem's beginning

for our footsteps to land muted
like a vow of silence                 >beautiful redundancy
to contemplate our own natures
and tune our ears to the sound
of quiet itself           >re-work the phrasing/rhythm a bit in these last two lines; more concise, like the silence itself

we're waiting for white primer  >not as delicate of an image as the previous ones; intentional shift of tone and metaphor?
to clear the smearing colors   >I know what you are getting at here, but maybe find a different word for "clear" or "smearing", since they are so similar sounding
of leaves discarded and rotting
to reset the landscape  
and cleanse the canvas  >nice two lines

we're waiting to trundle
through undulating drifts
across fallow fields
matching our tracks
to the mysterious deer 
drawing ever inward > the placement and incorporation of  the "mysterious deer" seems nonessential/random; it also sounds like the deer is "drawing ever inward like a daydream"
like a daydream

---

Original

we're waiting for the snow to fall quiet
like a poem's beginning

bringing relief from the rain
and the blustery wind
from the slip of rotting leaves

from the strain of change

we're waiting to trundle
through undulating drifts
across fallow fields

inward as a daydream
as an icy lake