A Small Bridge After Rain
#6
Writ on phone -- i think this could all be cut down. not so much that he sense is changed, just enough so that the best bits are purified. it's already lovely work, but righ now, for me it reads a bit redundant, overeager to show something. and so:
(11-18-2016, 07:04 AM)Sparkydashforth Wrote:  A stone bridge drips a splish
of mossy water. as much as the first line sounds a beauty, the title (which for me evokes the simon and garfunkel song, too) shows the bridge enough that we could skip ahead to where i think the poem really launches off, both sonically and narratively.
Yesterday thunderheads drummed the fells; but for that to work, i see the need for compression. the next line cuts, in a bad way, the heav, thunder-like sounds of 'yesterday...', as well as being a bit dangerous sense-wise, i haven't heard land pour down instead of season -- skip straight to the luminous image of the village leaking light, instead, then to the river washing away swans (with a line that feels just as tad wordy, but considering the suggested omissions, it would instad prove a reprieve), connecting all with a semicolon and an 'and'.
high moors poured down.
The village leaked a limestone light.
The river pushed swans onto grey slate steps.
Today, trout are back in their pools. ach, this reads right, but ecologically feels wrong -- i remember something about fish being easiest to catch in a moonlit rainstorm. then again, that's out in a tropical sea, so...
Newly washed sheep graze between the clouds.
The small bridge, bounds from grassy sward shouldn't have any commas, this. also introducing the bridge here is better, but perhaps something more vivid, this is i think the (still fair) nadir of the whole thing -- maybe move the first line here? 'the stone bridge, bounding from sward to sward, / drips splishes of mossy water.' or something -- i can neve  see water as being mossy, since i haven't seen a non-typhoon be that strong. or do you talk about algae?
to shingle strand.
I lean over to watch the sky swim beneath,
while like a wet dog, the bridge comma after while. also, this and the last line made me go 'wow!'. overall, lovely work.
rubs itself against my knees.

ps i think newly washed sheep etc meant the speaker looking at the river, seeing sheep reflection, sothat the movement goes from the depths of the pool, to the pool's reflection, tothe bridge itself, to the entire picture (with the dog reference a nod to the shepherd dog, perhaps?) as such, i think the end does flow well enough, just subtly -- while the beginning, though magnificent, doesn't really clear anything up, and considerig the first two lines, even diminishes the rest.
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Messages In This Thread
A Small Bridge After Rain - by Sparkydashforth - 11-18-2016, 07:04 AM
RE: A Small Bridge After Rain - by Lizzie - 11-18-2016, 09:06 AM
RE: A Small Bridge After Rain - by Achebe - 11-20-2016, 07:13 PM
RE: A Small Bridge After Rain - by RiverNotch - 11-23-2016, 01:18 AM
RE: A Small Bridge After Rain - by Alic Elliot - 11-23-2016, 05:40 AM



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