11-22-2016, 11:01 AM
Lovely imagery. I have only a few general observations, some of which might reflect my experiential distance from this geography.
Hedgerows invoke in me an image of green(ery). This clashes a bit with "dry shoulders" (unless the clash is part of the point). I'm unsure why these (green) hedgerows would take on the smell of owls, a bird of prey that prefers to perch in higher (and here ramshackle) places, perhaps in part because I'm entirely unfamiliar with the smell of owls (I just completed a translation of a Chinese short story titled, "Owl," and this hasn't helped me on this score :-). This disconnect is slightly furthered for me by the invocation of mole hills and warrens, two places I definitely expect would be of high interest to the owls. Also, mole hills might be a bit too small to have 'shoulders of the sort that "we" would peer over'; and warrens are underground and don't have shoulders at all, do they? For my own edification, I would love to learn more about what you mean by 'ramshackle owls', if the reference is to something other than owls that might make an aerie in a ramshackle house/structure. I'm nit-picking in these remarks--I really do like these opening lines overall.
Regarding 'broiled', might you not mean embroiled? I like paw paths very much. To my mind, azimuth and declination shift to a very abtstract register that leaves me a bit lost and longing for the vivid concrete imagery that you had invoked up to this point--"connective tissue (very thin tissue) and direction," indeed. In any case, if I'm understanding your drift, might I humbly suggest: "On Embroiled paw paths"--the 'scurrying and twitching' variety of these make sense to me as being produced by rabbits and moles (etc) fleeing the preying owls.
Really like the last stanza, except for the fact that you seem to be introducing 'green' and a 'fresh scent', when I had already experienced both with your very first word (but, again, this might be more my lack of familiarity with the landscape). Either way, those scurrying and twitching and path pawing prey are going to appreciate very much those quenching ewers--wonderful.
Hedgerows invoke in me an image of green(ery). This clashes a bit with "dry shoulders" (unless the clash is part of the point). I'm unsure why these (green) hedgerows would take on the smell of owls, a bird of prey that prefers to perch in higher (and here ramshackle) places, perhaps in part because I'm entirely unfamiliar with the smell of owls (I just completed a translation of a Chinese short story titled, "Owl," and this hasn't helped me on this score :-). This disconnect is slightly furthered for me by the invocation of mole hills and warrens, two places I definitely expect would be of high interest to the owls. Also, mole hills might be a bit too small to have 'shoulders of the sort that "we" would peer over'; and warrens are underground and don't have shoulders at all, do they? For my own edification, I would love to learn more about what you mean by 'ramshackle owls', if the reference is to something other than owls that might make an aerie in a ramshackle house/structure. I'm nit-picking in these remarks--I really do like these opening lines overall.
Regarding 'broiled', might you not mean embroiled? I like paw paths very much. To my mind, azimuth and declination shift to a very abtstract register that leaves me a bit lost and longing for the vivid concrete imagery that you had invoked up to this point--"connective tissue (very thin tissue) and direction," indeed. In any case, if I'm understanding your drift, might I humbly suggest: "On Embroiled paw paths"--the 'scurrying and twitching' variety of these make sense to me as being produced by rabbits and moles (etc) fleeing the preying owls.
Really like the last stanza, except for the fact that you seem to be introducing 'green' and a 'fresh scent', when I had already experienced both with your very first word (but, again, this might be more my lack of familiarity with the landscape). Either way, those scurrying and twitching and path pawing prey are going to appreciate very much those quenching ewers--wonderful.