Dark Waters

[CRNDLSM]

Hello

Hi CRNDLSM

Dark Waters


Heart capsized.................good opening line, sets the theme.
No longer drifting.
Further and further away,.............why not make this one line and cut the second "further"?
Swims reality.

Submerged, discouraged,
Eyes blurred,......................lines 1 & 2 are a bit too melodramatic for me
Limbs slicing,
Dark waters
Enticing the unclaimed depths.................last 3 lines are good

Mindless pressure
Pulsing
In the mirror
of distortion
surrounding me.............I would cut L1 & 2----they slow the pace.

Heart capsized.....just my preference but I would cut L 2&3.
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

---

Heart capsized is a good start, automatically I think I'm about to read a 'love is scary' poem, but if you are really lost at sea, like a desert everything is a mirage, and reality slips away with hope, and your heart capsized.  I like this tight package too even the refrain.  Thanks for posting!

---

Hi CRNDLSM

Dark Waters


Heart capsized.................good opening line, sets the theme.
No longer drifting.
Further and further away,.............why not make this one line and cut the second "further"?
Swims reality.

Submerged, discouraged,
Eyes blurred,......................lines 1 & 2 are a bit too melodramatic for me
Limbs slicing,
Dark waters
Enticing the unclaimed depths.................last 3 lines are good

Mindless pressure
Pulsing
In the mirror
of distortion
surrounding me.............I would cut L1 & 2----they sloe the pace.

Heart capsized.....just my preference but I would cut L 2&3.
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

---

Heart capsized is a good start, automatically I think I'm about to read a 'love is scary' poem, but if you are really lost at sea, like a desert everything is a mirage, and reality slips away with hope, and your heart capsized.  I like this tight package too even the refrain.  Thanks for posting!

---

Hi CRNDLSM

Dark Waters


Heart capsized.................good opening line, sets the theme.
No longer drifting.
Further and further away,.............why not make this one line and cut the second "further"?
Swims reality.

Submerged, discouraged,
Eyes blurred,......................lines 1 & 2 are a bit too melodramatic for me
Limbs slicing,
Dark waters
Enticing the unclaimed depths.................last 3 lines are good

Mindless pressure
Pulsing
In the mirror
of distortionw
surrounding me.............I would cut L1 & 2----they slow the pace.

Heart capsized.....just my preference but I would cut L 2&3.
No longer drifting.
Further and further away
Swims reality.

---

Heart capsized is a good start, automatically I think I'm about to read a 'love is scary' poem, but if you are really lost at sea, like a desert everything is a mirage, and reality slips away with hope, and your heart capsized.  I like this tight package too even the refrain.  Thanks for posting!