11-21-2016, 12:45 AM
Thank you so much for your feedback...I appreciate the feedback and although I knew there were a couple images to develop, I didn't take a hard look at the last line.
Coquette
quote='DerTomatenToaster' pid='220714' dateline='1479550117']
I would remove the comma after "limbs slice" and instead put it after "dark waters". Maybe I just don't understand the line, but otherwise it doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
As the comment above stated, the last verse needs some kins of progression. When I read it I actually expected the last line or something to change and was kind of led down when I found out it doesn't.
And one small thing: You don't need to start every line with a capital letters, in fact you shouldn't. And when you for some reason want to do so, don't leave out two lines for no reason at all.
Overall I still liked the theme, it was mainly the "limbs slicing" line that confused me.
[/quote]
Coquettequote='DerTomatenToaster' pid='220714' dateline='1479550117']
I would remove the comma after "limbs slice" and instead put it after "dark waters". Maybe I just don't understand the line, but otherwise it doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
As the comment above stated, the last verse needs some kins of progression. When I read it I actually expected the last line or something to change and was kind of led down when I found out it doesn't.
And one small thing: You don't need to start every line with a capital letters, in fact you shouldn't. And when you for some reason want to do so, don't leave out two lines for no reason at all.
Overall I still liked the theme, it was mainly the "limbs slicing" line that confused me.
[/quote]