11-18-2016, 12:25 AM
Hey zorcas!
A few points:
All of your stanzas are run-ons, seeming more like ramblings of a mad man, instead of de-romanticization of the sun. Furthermore, S2 seems entirely unneeded. All it does is enforce the notion that the sun is infact dangerous. It doesn't even tie to S3. Maybe replace it with a stanza talking about how earth knows the sun is evil/dangerous, and knows what to do about it, or just scratch the stanza entirely.
Best, Alic.
A few points:
All of your stanzas are run-ons, seeming more like ramblings of a mad man, instead of de-romanticization of the sun. Furthermore, S2 seems entirely unneeded. All it does is enforce the notion that the sun is infact dangerous. It doesn't even tie to S3. Maybe replace it with a stanza talking about how earth knows the sun is evil/dangerous, and knows what to do about it, or just scratch the stanza entirely.
Best, Alic.
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dustEdgy sayings
“Inspirational" stuff