11-17-2016, 04:19 AM
Interesting take on the solar subject. Sun both as a killer and gardener.
The problem (for me) with the work is that it is a dialogue with a hypothetical protagonist.
An argument with a reader who perhaps would not ague your essential premise.
In short it is Telling, with very little Showing.
Being basically none visual it feels like you are just airing a point of view.
Imagery could have taken it out of the Telling mode, and introduced visual
metaphors that could have deepened the muse.
Lastly, I would rather allow a poem to end with a question more than a conclusion,
for that lends me space to ruminate over the way I feel about a certain matter,
and how that impacts upon me as an insight.
The problem (for me) with the work is that it is a dialogue with a hypothetical protagonist.
An argument with a reader who perhaps would not ague your essential premise.
In short it is Telling, with very little Showing.
Being basically none visual it feels like you are just airing a point of view.
Imagery could have taken it out of the Telling mode, and introduced visual
metaphors that could have deepened the muse.
Lastly, I would rather allow a poem to end with a question more than a conclusion,
for that lends me space to ruminate over the way I feel about a certain matter,
and how that impacts upon me as an insight.