11-16-2016, 05:43 PM
*i think it's not the speaker that's pacing, but the thoughts.
**whose side effects, not who's
***I do prefer:
"Now I'm officially bored!
Bored, bored, bored....
So damn bored."
just to make that refrain more consistent.
****lets out a roar, not let's. and since it's eleanor roaring, shouldn't it be she says, instead of he?
*****the neat rhythm set up by everything else breaks down in the last stanza. probably pare down them words -- something like
"Baking smores with [old] Al Gore
til Eleanor (that carnivore
we all adore) lets out a roar:
'Here comes [old] Thor!' [He answers, 'Whore,
what's the score between Eeyore
and Winnie the Pooh who tore a spore
of folklore in the soup du jour?'
*snore
Man, I'm bored.
Encore?"
in brackets are all the sketchier variations, either 'coz I couldn't think of any better, or 'coz they change the meaning.
but yeah, otherwise, fun! and here, the blatant overuse of rhyme is the charm of it, which is swell. now i'm imagining an old Austrian ambassador trying to rap all this....
**whose side effects, not who's
***I do prefer:
"Now I'm officially bored!
Bored, bored, bored....
So damn bored."
just to make that refrain more consistent.
****lets out a roar, not let's. and since it's eleanor roaring, shouldn't it be she says, instead of he?
*****the neat rhythm set up by everything else breaks down in the last stanza. probably pare down them words -- something like
"Baking smores with [old] Al Gore
til Eleanor (that carnivore
we all adore) lets out a roar:
'Here comes [old] Thor!' [He answers, 'Whore,
what's the score between Eeyore
and Winnie the Pooh who tore a spore
of folklore in the soup du jour?'
*snore
Man, I'm bored.
Encore?"
in brackets are all the sketchier variations, either 'coz I couldn't think of any better, or 'coz they change the meaning.
but yeah, otherwise, fun! and here, the blatant overuse of rhyme is the charm of it, which is swell. now i'm imagining an old Austrian ambassador trying to rap all this....