11-16-2016, 12:31 AM
Hi Kolemath
lots to like in this work.
Coffee shop public, crowded murmur, wondering
what below is. What's under there? Every stranger's face.
What's behind these faces, Dad?.............................................Like the way you place yourself in the small world here.
My missing pants. .........YEs!
“You need pants on to go outside,” he said that day.
“I has pants on, Daddy.”
He looked at my bare legs. “Are you fibbing?” He asked in stone....stone-faced may be better here.
“No.”
“Do you have on pants?”
“Yes, Daddy.”
“Time out!”....................enjoyable lines.
I can’t say the shame,
only write today...................way too maudlin.
a chair flew across the room, screams, "Liar!"
And screaming, and suffocating hands,
and stone hands, and hands
I can't stand covering tears and gasps,
hands over my face, suffocating masks.
"I don't has on pants, Dad." ..............A little over-the top, but the stanza it has good energy.
I would end the poem on the last line of this stanza.
Coffee shop public, I look around, wonder what below is.
They don't know what's under here. What's under there? I wonder.
"Your child is so cute," a woman says, as she passes
“What a great dad, bringing his child to the coffee shop,” her friend agrees.
"Thanks for the moothie, Dad."
lots to like in this work.
Coffee shop public, crowded murmur, wondering
what below is. What's under there? Every stranger's face.
What's behind these faces, Dad?.............................................Like the way you place yourself in the small world here.
My missing pants. .........YEs!
“You need pants on to go outside,” he said that day.
“I has pants on, Daddy.”
He looked at my bare legs. “Are you fibbing?” He asked in stone....stone-faced may be better here.
“No.”
“Do you have on pants?”
“Yes, Daddy.”
“Time out!”....................enjoyable lines.
I can’t say the shame,
only write today...................way too maudlin.
a chair flew across the room, screams, "Liar!"
And screaming, and suffocating hands,
and stone hands, and hands
I can't stand covering tears and gasps,
hands over my face, suffocating masks.
"I don't has on pants, Dad." ..............A little over-the top, but the stanza it has good energy.
I would end the poem on the last line of this stanza.
Coffee shop public, I look around, wonder what below is.
They don't know what's under here. What's under there? I wonder.
"Your child is so cute," a woman says, as she passes
“What a great dad, bringing his child to the coffee shop,” her friend agrees.
"Thanks for the moothie, Dad."