11-15-2016, 11:33 PM
(11-15-2016, 12:57 PM)Coquette16 Wrote:
Not sure which title to use....
Feedback's appreciated! This is my first post (of many!)
Thanks!
At The Summit
After scars-- the upward hike of sweat, tears, scrapes, cuts and bruises…
Broken.
At the summit
I breathe in the unrelenting clefts and the protruding (ouch. that must hurt)
The battered and wounded landscape… (I'd consider an alternative to the ellipses here and on L1)
Broken.
At the summit (I don't think repeating this is necessary)
I listen to the calm landscape and perpetual skies
And touch the vibrant flower in my breast.
At the summit
I am broken and I am scarred
peacefully.
The scene here is fine, but virtually nothing happens. I see a person reflecting on a mountain landscape, enjoying the pain from his hiking endeavor. A fine sentiment though perhaps it may fit into a smaller form, or else have its subject expanded slightly. Biggest issue: the repetition of "At the summit" does not reinforce much to me as a reader. It feels needless. I can find reasoning for it as if I were the writer, but none that justify it to me as the reader.
On a side note: interesting name you've got...
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona