11-14-2016, 03:06 AM
I am a fan of water metaphor...it maintains cohesiveness of the piece.
The first line of the second stanza has good sensory images, but I'm wondering about the consistency of the "sweet", being a taste and "soft" being a touch. In this sense, the second half more harmonious than the first half.
Perhaps an alteration to the second line of the second stanza as well...a bit on the cliché side...?
Love the word choice/imagery of the last two lines of the first stanza!
The first line of the second stanza has good sensory images, but I'm wondering about the consistency of the "sweet", being a taste and "soft" being a touch. In this sense, the second half more harmonious than the first half.
Perhaps an alteration to the second line of the second stanza as well...a bit on the cliché side...?
Love the word choice/imagery of the last two lines of the first stanza!
(09-13-2016, 05:09 AM)DJesters Wrote: Those luscious, golden locks on high
Like water drops fall from the sky
And dare to snare a prideful beast,
For such tendrils is no feat.
Sweet to touch and soft to feel;
One has never felt so real
But suddenly they sway away,
A river's peace I still remain.
Until the surface, struck by rock,
Sends ripples down upon my heart
Will these vines let loose of me,
And leave my soul to wander free.