indiana vanilla

[Lizzie]

@Ton Romus:

As long as it's just a shake and not a shank

LOVE the Clairol substitution -- goes along with the phoniness/chemical theme very well.

Thanks for the sample re-write and welcome to the site! ><

P.S. Love your avatar!

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no one warned us we could become this bored ........the opening line gets my attention How ironic, boredom/attention
[the young women of the midwestern cornfields] ............ too long. clunky - I'd suggest dropping a syllable. Perhaps 'Iowan'?. also, i assume that the young women etc. are referring to yourself. Ok, funny story: yes, and no, and yes. I read somewhere that Americans tend to mark themselves a little too clearly by overusing the lyric I. Not that I could really avoid marking myself in this particular piece. Anyway, the midwestern boredom thing is not specific to me, but if you think it would have more impact if I went back to the I, then I will do that.

       or maybe they did
              and we blanked them out ................. as someone else mentioned, the spacing suits this line well

because their words tasted like yet another Cool Whip
Jello and Marshmallow salad ....a fresh image. nice.
because their laughs were fictional as teenage abstinence ...."teenage abstinence" is clunky.The simile is not particularly striking.

because their creased khakis and blonde hair droned on
of nothing but ranch dressing and choral music
in syllables as clean as Christian radio ....nice. Love this strophe.

By the poem's end, i'm left confused as to who the 'they' of L3 are: the young women themselves? Sigh. More "they" troubles, eh? It's becoming an epidemic in my poetry.
Also, Indiana, Iowa....all the same to me. 
A mixed poem.

Thanks so much for the review. >< Yeah, it has some rough spots, so I'll attend to those in an edit.