11-03-2016, 11:26 PM
(11-01-2016, 03:04 PM)lizziep Wrote: no one warned us we could become this bored become feels a bit off-rhythm -- maybe be, or get
[the young women of the midwestern cornfields] and i feel like this could be integrated better than being in brackets -- comma we young women... comma, perhaps
or maybe they did
and we blanked them out here's where exposition ends. earlier notes, i do find a bit annoying, but they are nits. i like how this is separated, how this ties to white, and how this speaks a lot about the setting (or at least how i tend to judge it)
because their words tasted like yet another Cool Whip white
Jello and Marshmallow salad white -- also, disagree with the earlier, this sounds delish. just don't call it a salad
because their laughs were fictional as teenage abstinence white, with that "fictional" note....
....that's a semen joke, in case you didn't catch that (xD). then again, placing it so close to cool whip....
because their creased khakis and blonde hair droned on white
of nothing but ranch dressing and choral music white ---- until you get to "choral music", which i have found has such, such, such variety (the example i immediately thought of is this: [Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4jeTWheAxA]); so that i would suggest changing that
in syllables as clean as Christian radio white, as far as i know ---- i do wonder, though, how much Christian radio over there plays contemporary Christian (specifically, evangelical) music, which i personally think is as shit (and sorta white, or at least the sort of white this deals with -- there's my judgment again) as can be -- here we only have two stations, one playing some contemporary, but mostly talks and such, and the other playing never contemporary, most often classical, sometimes jazz: it's the only classical/jazz station over here, as far as i know, and it's my favorite station overall
and the title is a draw, too. kinda reminds me of the movie vanilla sky, how that's all about illusions -- heh, as if i ever watched it. i saw a short bit on television, looked it up on wikipedia, that's it. but yeah, this whole piece, lovely