Brimful [edit]

[dukealien]

edit1;



Brimful

An old man minces ~
bears life like a brimming bowl
of harvest liquor.

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For a simple concept, I seem to have really fallen into Edit Hell on this one.  (Or as someone is bound to say, "Welcome to haiku!")  This tries to apply all the good criticism provided above, including a seasonal reference and making the metaphor/simile more clear.  In light of the autumn reference, label as senryu/haiku is left ambiguous.

Not perfectly happy with "minces" - it's a secondary meaning of the word, and has a connotation of affectedness:  describes the gait but not the attitude.  "Stumbles" or "shambles" lacks the idea of care; "tiptoes" doesn't describe the flat-footedness of rheumatism.  Edit Hell!