Akathisia
#2
(11-02-2016, 09:34 AM)Mark Cecil Wrote:  This feels like it was written under actual duress. The first thing I thought with the title was not the condition, but the Orthodox liturgical hymn (which, sure, is Akathist rather than Akathisia, but they do have the same origins). This reads a bit like a proper hymn (a bit, and I can't really be sure to what extent, as so far I am unfamiliar with their songs), such that to change the title to Akathist would be advantageous, I think.
Antipsychotics And with the Greek notes later, I'm sure there's an antipsychotic out there with a sufficiently Greek name for this.
Have reduced me to
a wraith of myself Capital A.
Now hobbling about
Around and around 

I have Hermes’ feet
For I never stop
I keep on strolling I would prefer flying, if it were Hermes --- or Io's feet, if the speaker never stops.
On this ward all day On or down?
Around and around

I cannot stop myself Would prefer a bit of circularity -- "For I never stop" again.
My legs do not cease And then replace "do" with "can", here.
Like a steam train’s rod 
Locked in its cycle Although the image here doesn't feel as harmonious, considering the Greek title and the earlier Greek reference. I feel like something more, well, Greek is in order, perhaps "Like Vulcan's automaton / Locked in its cycle"
Around and around

I’m now a fixture
To staff and patients
Who glare at my gait The internal alliteration here sounds a little too smooth for everything else.
As the clock ticks by
Around and around As in, the clock goes around and around? Maybe focus more on the hands on the clock, rather than the clock itself, for this to work.

Can I escape this?
Will I get better? I feel again something more circular for this would be better -- "Can I escape this? / Can I escape?" -- although that feels more personal-stylistic than anything else.
Or I’m I stuck here "Or am I stuck here"
In first gear, going: The colon here interrupts. The question marks are excusable, they're key to the reading, but the colon here at the end highlights too well the lack of punctuation (plus, I'm not sure the statement even demands it).
Around and around
Fair enough. Requires a bit of polish -- possibly a bit of cutting, even, though I haven't the time to even so think, at the moment -- to be a proper jewel.
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Messages In This Thread
Akathisia - by Mark Cecil - 11-02-2016, 09:34 AM
RE: Akathisia - by RiverNotch - 11-02-2016, 01:23 PM
RE: Akathisia - by rayheinrich - 11-02-2016, 08:58 PM
RE: Akathisia - by Mark Cecil - 11-03-2016, 04:11 AM
RE: Akathisia - by Brownlie - 11-03-2016, 11:29 AM
RE: Akathisia - by Krakus - 11-03-2016, 12:18 PM
RE: Akathisia - by CRNDLSM - 11-06-2016, 04:15 AM
RE: Akathisia - by rayheinrich - 11-07-2016, 11:02 PM
RE: Akathisia - by vagabond - 05-10-2017, 07:08 AM



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