Free Standing

[Lizzie]

Hi 71. In general, I think this one could benefit from more specific detail and more precise language. A couple of thoughts below.

You look lonely -- what in particular makes you think so?
standing there
in front of me -- these two lines, while accurate, are bland
in the six-items
or less checkout,
biting the inside
of your cheek -- these four lines are good detail wise
not free or buoyant,
enjoying only yourself. -- you seem to be making some sweeping assumptions about the other person that I don't feel are quite justified yet from what we've been shown. I need more persuasion to come to the same conclusion as you.

Switching, crossing
ankles constantly.

For your own sanity, -- 'sanity' is actually a very non-specific word, since everyone's definition is personal, and even the professionals don't entirely agree on what it looks like
I hope you don’t
meet anyone
as lonely as you
to make you feel
okay about all this. -- what is 'all this'? Why isn't 'all this' ok?

I very much enjoy that the observations of the other seem to reveal even more about the speaker, I think that's a great twist. This adds another layer of depth. And I like that you're doing something with such a common transaction as standing in the checkout line -- that gives the poem a very modern feel.

Hope this helps some,

lizziep