10-30-2016, 06:16 AM
(10-30-2016, 05:06 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Cool kids climbing treesThis could easily dissolve into a rhyming disaster and I'm glad it doesn't. Love the "everybody knows" /and "gold" repetition....almost alliterative. Nice read.
Cool wind blows breeze
Green leaves turn to gold
Too high Johnny falls
Hits his head red stains brown
And everybody knows
Upstairs honeys
Slick skin licks lips wine tipsy
Fat man brings the gold
Making fast cash
Sheets stain black wife's at home
And everybody knows
That's the way it goes
At the races
Greyhounds pumping hungry faces
Fat man wins the gold
Three days he's been running
Streaks down family's down
Last time to say, "bye dad"
And everybody knows
Cool wind faces
Blowing brass dark sunglasses
Hanging on the nose
Everybody's turned to gold
Pinstripe uniforms
Getting high girls dancing
Putting on a show
And everybody knows
That's the way it goes.
Not sure about the title, but the poem does have that pendulum rhythm feel to it, like the walk of an elephant might. Not sure if that was intended. If so, might consider singular for the title. If not, than it doesn't matter.
I like it either way.

