I See Yet

[Lizzie]

Hi mitsuch. I have a couple of comments for you.

{FIRST EDITION}
I See Yet

I see us trees -- these initial lines (including the ones on following stanzas) would read more smoothly to me if you had 'as' before the objects, like "I see us as trees" "I see us as stars", etc.
growing to and from one another,  -- I don't understand how trees can grow in two different directions.
searching for the same light.
Yet you do not see me -- so, if the trees are in direct competition with one another for sunlight, and they're close to one another in physical space, how do they not "see" one another? We see our neighbors in some capacity. I just don't know how a tree would acknowledge the presence of another. I'm having the same issue with stars, drops, flowers -- I don't know how they would go about seeing each other.

I see us stars
Shining in the same sky
bright and indifferent. -- it doesn't seem like the speaker is indifferent, so there needs to be some kind of contrast that indicates that the indifferent one is the other
Yet you do not see me

I see us drops
thundering from the dark clouds,
pattering on the self-same ground.
Yet you do not see me.

I see us buds
awaiting our evolution,
upon the grey-green fields.
I bloom. -- perhaps, I will bloom and then you will see me?
You will see me.



I know this poem may seem superficial and pretentious to some, however it holds great meaning to me. I would earnestly request you to try and put yourself in it and feel what you may relate to. All advice and criticism is welcome, I am open to hard criticism so please do not hold back. I appreciate each post. Thank you.

Hope this helps some,

lizziep