10-27-2016, 04:53 AM
kolemath,
I noticed that you had not received any feedback on this so...
There are more than a few syntactical errors, or maybe it is just poor grammar, i.e.
"throw him like a rag for passing by cloaked in fear."
You go a long way to say little and the overall lack of clarity exacerbates this problem. What you are saying could probably be said in about half the space as a lot of this just seems to be filler. (Example, not a suggestion)
When the world was as tall as my rooftop,
as long as yellow school bus rides down the street,
a pig-nosed bully’d stamp down the street:
pimples on his face like red sharp coral,
oily hair uncombed and twisted.
too tangled for a friend.
The only way he reached out
to anyone was with a his fists.
Perhaps, his mother never kissed him.
As this is in mild...
Best,
dale
I noticed that you had not received any feedback on this so...
There are more than a few syntactical errors, or maybe it is just poor grammar, i.e.
"throw him like a rag for passing by cloaked in fear."
You go a long way to say little and the overall lack of clarity exacerbates this problem. What you are saying could probably be said in about half the space as a lot of this just seems to be filler. (Example, not a suggestion)
When the world was as tall as my rooftop,
as long as yellow school bus rides down the street,
a pig-nosed bully’d stamp down the street:
pimples on his face like red sharp coral,
oily hair uncombed and twisted.
too tangled for a friend.
The only way he reached out
to anyone was with a his fists.
Perhaps, his mother never kissed him.
As this is in mild...
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.