Yellow Evening

[Alic Elliot]

heart pangs
the rose-hewn sky barks 
violet lightening These first three lines are weak- maybe unnecessary. Why heart pangs? Why the personification in L2? 
I'm slicing
details of daylight apart
in my mind like silence does
sometimes.
All I'd do to these is move “does" to the last line. It's a bit choppy at the moment.

tonight is ripe with refusal
in this hermitage
air is sulfurous.
Refusing what? Company? 

sidewalks cohort with abstract devils
the city dwellers yawn and screech and weep
constellations rush out to rust
as the Moon rises
The connection --if there is one-- between people, the devils, and the moon and stars could be made better. Keep the stanza, it's nice. But add too it.

I heed not certain thoughts.
What thoughts? This line is strong- give it meaning. As of now, this raises more questions than anything. Phrases that might be metaphores, possible connections that are unclear. It needs to be brought into focus. There's a lot of good stuff in here. It looks like it will be something great. It's just blurry, that's all.