Psychasthenia

[kolemath]

My latest poem about you is a failure. o.k. line, a bit prose-like though. perhaps 'failed' instead of 'is a failure'
It should have been about Angel Oaks, semicolon or period here
instead the lines contain headless men,
an unspectacular sunset. good images in this stanza
I wanted to write about a clear stream,
a place where God is a red dot on a map, great image but doesn't fit as well as the others in the flow of the stanza
a place where humidity and summer heat maybe this line would fit better next to the 'clear stream' line
allow sweat to form like rosary beads
in the shallows of your breasts. 

I imagine you in a white dress,
poem in your right hand, so you gave the failed poem
dangling inches from the floor. strange implication for the 'you' dangling here; i infer it's the poem dangling and not a body from a noose 

After all this, you are here
and I am there; both of us looking comma instead of semicolon. pretty weird that 'you are here, i am there,' as if the speaker is omniscient to himself, out of body almost
through a window at old stars. interesting implications for failed wishes too


              (** based on a work by Jack Vettriano)

thanks for posting