10-25-2016, 06:27 AM
Need to be careful of repetitive verbiage such as "A man comes to greet me from my people". Should be
"A man comes to greet me" That it is from his people is obvious.
For a line by line sort of critique you need to post in serious. What I wrote is about what is expected in this section. A few generalized pointers along with a couple of specific examples. However in serious you will really get slammed. Not in a mean way, but everything will be examined and commented on and maybe not much of what is currently here will survived unscathed. I could probably make a comment about something on 3 out of 4 lines. Example:
I walk through the narrow marshy path, (two adjectives "narrow" and "marshy" read awkward setting next to each other. Possibly "narrow marsh path")
with my newly liberated people, (generally you can drop the adjective of "newly" as it is implied)
Death behind us glory before us, (not exactly accurate, "Slavery behind us, freedom in front of us".)
As we move forward they pick up the pace, (this is an awkward line, as you attempt to make a distinction between "we" which includes the speaker and "they" the group without the speaker, but this slows the pace of the poem as the reader tries to figure out what is being said, creating disruption.)
Best,
dale
"A man comes to greet me" That it is from his people is obvious.
For a line by line sort of critique you need to post in serious. What I wrote is about what is expected in this section. A few generalized pointers along with a couple of specific examples. However in serious you will really get slammed. Not in a mean way, but everything will be examined and commented on and maybe not much of what is currently here will survived unscathed. I could probably make a comment about something on 3 out of 4 lines. Example:
I walk through the narrow marshy path, (two adjectives "narrow" and "marshy" read awkward setting next to each other. Possibly "narrow marsh path")
with my newly liberated people, (generally you can drop the adjective of "newly" as it is implied)
Death behind us glory before us, (not exactly accurate, "Slavery behind us, freedom in front of us".)
As we move forward they pick up the pace, (this is an awkward line, as you attempt to make a distinction between "we" which includes the speaker and "they" the group without the speaker, but this slows the pace of the poem as the reader tries to figure out what is being said, creating disruption.)
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.