10-25-2016, 02:10 AM
The deluge (2nd edition)
The great deep swells up sapphire walls above
and the great multitude hem in through the gap
with much trodding and slipping along
they move forward and their pace increases,
as their steps stab into the dark mire.
But I struggle, my legs become weak
and give way, soon I am brought to my knees
snaking through much dirt and soggy ground
before becoming bereft of all movement
A great din of horses are behind me
their hooves roar like thunder along the way
my people pass over the horizon
I look back and see my oppressors
their faces wrinkled with hate and anger
with bows at full stretch and javlons ready
They come closer as each second passes
And yet I still remain unmoved on the ground.
They come so close that I can see
the very whitening of their vengeful eyes
Then the walls come crashing down from above
And the great deluge sweeps them away
devouring the narrow path of salvation
My heart pounds and throbs greatly within me
And I’m filled with inexpressible joy
I thank my saviour for allowing me,
To witness such a wondrous spectacle
Miraculously I find the strength to stand
And walk over the ridge to my people.
I enter a camp of jubilation
with women dancing with tambourines
And men blowing their trumpets loudly
A man comes to greet me from my people
“Where have you been?” He asks me earnestly
“You’ve missed the song of Moses and Miriam.”
“Tell me.” He asks, “Are you the last man?”
“Yes.” I reply, “But I feel like the first.”
Hopefully this is an improvement on what you've suggested. I'll probably need to look at it again to make more changes. If there is anything else you think I could change please make specific references. I am willing to take criticism so long as it helps me learn.
The great deep swells up sapphire walls above
and the great multitude hem in through the gap
with much trodding and slipping along
they move forward and their pace increases,
as their steps stab into the dark mire.
But I struggle, my legs become weak
and give way, soon I am brought to my knees
snaking through much dirt and soggy ground
before becoming bereft of all movement
A great din of horses are behind me
their hooves roar like thunder along the way
my people pass over the horizon
I look back and see my oppressors
their faces wrinkled with hate and anger
with bows at full stretch and javlons ready
They come closer as each second passes
And yet I still remain unmoved on the ground.
They come so close that I can see
the very whitening of their vengeful eyes
Then the walls come crashing down from above
And the great deluge sweeps them away
devouring the narrow path of salvation
My heart pounds and throbs greatly within me
And I’m filled with inexpressible joy
I thank my saviour for allowing me,
To witness such a wondrous spectacle
Miraculously I find the strength to stand
And walk over the ridge to my people.
I enter a camp of jubilation
with women dancing with tambourines
And men blowing their trumpets loudly
A man comes to greet me from my people
“Where have you been?” He asks me earnestly
“You’ve missed the song of Moses and Miriam.”
“Tell me.” He asks, “Are you the last man?”
“Yes.” I reply, “But I feel like the first.”
Hopefully this is an improvement on what you've suggested. I'll probably need to look at it again to make more changes. If there is anything else you think I could change please make specific references. I am willing to take criticism so long as it helps me learn.
Poetry is the unexpected utterance of the soul
Mark Nepo
Mark Nepo