10-18-2016, 06:53 AM
Punctuation and grammatically this is pretty sketchy and makes the reading unnecessarily difficult. Suggest writing out each sentence first, using correct punctuation. There are also some tense problems, some of which I have noted.
Looking out from her shores across the sea
The wind of change brings the smell of greed
and this is what she feared.
When the famine curse lay upon her land
It was her people(possessive plural) spirits that carried them along
While their bodies wither(withered, tense) like autumn leaves
Many souls look (-ed) on as their flesh decay
Oh she cries in silence as she feel their pain
This land her body lies in a dreadful state
"Oh curse you," (use quote marks if quoting) she cries who are born out of greed
You seek my beauty my freedom my chosen people
Then you rape them of mind body and land
In a hell created by your evil minds
But destroy my spirit oh no, I shall be free.
Freedom is hers but not stated in war
But in her hills her mountains her valleys her streams
Her rivers that run with no borders between
and her trees that whispers these words in her breeze.
Oh my chosen people I will comfort your cries
For this I do know, you all love me with pride.
Best,
dale
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Further note:
typesetting
As a service to your reader(s), please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out in the 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material, which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way, giving the impression that is how it should be done which is an unfortunate misapprehension. As it does nothing positive to the poem, but in fact weakens it, it is not a style, but an affectation.
Looking out from her shores across the sea
The wind of change brings the smell of greed
and this is what she feared.
When the famine curse lay upon her land
It was her people(possessive plural) spirits that carried them along
While their bodies wither(withered, tense) like autumn leaves
Many souls look (-ed) on as their flesh decay
Oh she cries in silence as she feel their pain
This land her body lies in a dreadful state
"Oh curse you," (use quote marks if quoting) she cries who are born out of greed
You seek my beauty my freedom my chosen people
Then you rape them of mind body and land
In a hell created by your evil minds
But destroy my spirit oh no, I shall be free.
Freedom is hers but not stated in war
But in her hills her mountains her valleys her streams
Her rivers that run with no borders between
and her trees that whispers these words in her breeze.
Oh my chosen people I will comfort your cries
For this I do know, you all love me with pride.
Best,
dale
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Further note:
typesetting
As a service to your reader(s), please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out in the 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material, which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way, giving the impression that is how it should be done which is an unfortunate misapprehension. As it does nothing positive to the poem, but in fact weakens it, it is not a style, but an affectation.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.