Kelly

[CRNDLSM]

An important topic. Good choice for a serious piece. I've wanted to do the same thing, smash a guy's brains in for hitting a girl. I get it.  The main idea I'm trying to express is 'violence begets violence'

I agree with kolemath that the random rhyming does seem to give it a lighthearted feel, which I don't know if you're going for. Didnt think it was random so much as subtle, here's the rhyme pattern by how I organized it

S1: through, soon, moon
       feeling, leaving
      help her, held her
S2: television, again, weapon
       jaw, fall
       rage, space
S4:  raw, calls, all
       hungrier, funnier
       violent, silence

The line breaks feel random, and it reads like prose except for the occasional burst of strict rhyme. I think some of the breaks might be cause the line was too long, and I'd like to know more of the difference between prose and anything else. I thought this piece was borderline 

In the end, the heart comes through, and that's the main thing. Thanks for reading

Thanks for sharing,

Luke

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Overall a strong poem with powerful images. Nice guys finish last. The rhyme is distracting to me though, almost trivializing the severity of the content. I could go line for line but don't know if you want that in novice.

Thanks fornthe read

If you want to do a line for line I'll consider all your comments wholeheartedly, it just seemed exhausting for this one